A LESSON IN SELF-COMPASSION: THE POWER OF THE EMOTIONAL SNEEZE
My name is Lara. I am a therapist, and just the other day I had an emotional sneeze. I heard that term used once to describe what is commonly referred to as an adult tantrum, so the reference is a perfect fit. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines a sneeze as, “… a sudden violent spasmodic audible expiration of breath through the nose and mouth especially as a reflex act.” I’m slow clapping at how closely that definition explains my sudden breath of emotions spasmodically exiting my body, and the seemingly reflexive nature of the act.
I won’t go into detail about why I was emotional or how the emotional sneeze looked. (Have you ever seen an image of an actual sneeze? The plethora of moisture pellets forced into the air around you. Yeah, it kinda looked like that, but tears replaced the snot.) I am here to talk about the aftermath.
What do you tell yourself after an emotional sneeze? For myself, my automatic internal dialogue typically goes something like this. “There you go again, losing it,” and “You’re a loser – weak – out of control …” and my favorite, “You talk to people all day about regulating their emotions, and you can’t even do it yourself, impostor!” The predominant feeling that accompanies these messages is shame – “I am bad.”
Recently, I realized shame was slowly eating away at me. It impacted how I felt about myself and how I functioned in relationships with others. I decided to call on my girls to help me out and began to actively push back against shame. The “girls” I am referring to are Brené Brown and Kristin Neff, Ph.D. Both are therapists, researchers, authors and teachers. Brené’s research area is shame and vulnerability, and Kristen’s is self-compassion.
Brené once said, “Empathy is the antidote to shame.” Empathy is a first cousin to compassion. Kristen defines self-compassion as, “Refusing to beat yourself up and leaving insecurity behind.” Essentially, it’s having your own back and giving yourself freedom to take risks and make mistakes. Shame says, “Loser – you talk to people all day about regulating their emotions and you can’t even do it yourself. Impostor!” Self-compassion says, “Lara – wow, that’s a mighty big sneeze you just had there. Guess what? Humans sneeze … you’re real. Let’s allow this, and it too will pass.”
Self-compassion boils down to three things:
soften the message
soothe yourself
allow all thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations
Self-compassion is not giving yourself a free pass to act or behave in any which way. Rather, it provides a safe space to gracefully respond with increased awareness of the situation and openness to what happened so you can correctively act because you care deeply. You learned something great and did not even have to beat yourself up to do it. When you let go of the inner critic, you gain a gentle ability to regulate your internal landscape without force.
Sometimes you need a helping hand from a compassionate person. Someone who can help you be at peace with yourself. This compassionate soul can be living, deceased or have four legs and fur (family, friends, co-workers and pets). We can act in their name, from a place of pure love and acceptance.
Don’t be fooled, changing the way you treat yourself is some of the most challenging work. It takes action and daily practice. It is critical this practice extends beyond the walls of your home, and filters into your work life. Treating yourself like your best friend at work will not only benefit your overall well-being, but will have a noticeably positive impact at work. You will be more at ease and focused, which will allow your creative juices to flow and lead to innovative ideas and new possibilities. You may know the saying, “If you try to stifle a sneeze, your head will pop off …” Go ahead and release that spasmodic flow of feelings, self-compassion is there to help you get back in the saddle again. Like a knight in shining armor softening the blow of the dreaded emotional sneeze.
Sources: “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Dr. Kristen Neff| “Empathy & Shame” by Dr. Brené Brown
Author: Lara Uher