"WHEN WILL I FEEL HAPPY?" & MORE MENTAL HEALTH CONSIDERATIONS
As soon as my 10-year-old daughter walked out of school, I immediately noticed sadness in her eyes. I held my breath preparing for the flood of tears and the story that precipitated the waterworks. I wrapped my arm around her and asked, “Are you ok?” Her response caught me off-guard as she simply stated, “I felt left out …” Argh! In moments like these, mama bear tends to enter the picture with claws out thinking, “Who was mean to you, and how can I fix it?!?” Instead, in this moment, I felt relief and gratitude. My daughter was “naming it to tame it,” which is a term coined by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel to describe how, by naming your emotional state, you create distance from the intensity of the emotion and can efficiently regulate the body. In response, I calmly stated, “I hate when I feel left out!”
As a mental health professional, I know I cannot be my kids’ therapist, and I often say the skill set I’ve cultivated at work tends to fly out the window soon after I step over the threshold at home. As a parent, my hope is to give my kids the message that all feelings are ok, even the intense, icky ones, and feelings don’t last forever. My daughter was experiencing a feeling of rejection. My knee-jerk, mama bear reaction stems from my knowledge that as Dr. Siegel points out, “Humans have an intrinsic need to belong. Evolutionary, cooperation and group relationships led to an increased level of survival.” Thus, social rejection, especially during the pre-teen/teen years can be extremely hurtful. However, I realized by my daughter naming it (feeling rejected), she could tame it (not getting swept away by the intensity of the feeling.) Mama bear wasn’t needed … not that she would be helpful, anyways. My daughter had this, and I could simply be there for support.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It can be difficult to share your story if you struggle with awareness of your emotional landscape and can’t accept the full range of emotional experiences (the good feeling ones and the not-so-good feeling ones). Connection can help you be more open to your experiences both internally and with others. You can internally connect by fostering a sense of curiosity paired with a mindfulness practice (meditation, yoga or physical activity), and you can connect with others through attunement, empathy, compassion and storytelling.
Collectively, we have all been through a lot over the last few years. You might be struggling with feelings of uneasiness / confusion and a lack of purpose. You might ask the question “When will I feel happy?” Luckily, happiness is a skill you can strengthen through practice. When my clients reflect on what happiness feels like, a universal response is a sense of comfort. I encourage you to create a comfort plan in May. This plan is finding activities, routines and items that bring you comfort. Focus on one or two from your plan each day to move you towards a sense of peace, comfort and happiness.
Ultimately, never hesitate to ask family, friends or colleagues if they are ok, especially if you notice a change in behavior (a sign of distress). If you feel in distress, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted family member, friend or colleague. Research shows that asking direct questions about an individual’s mental health or safety is welcomed, and supports health. #EmbraceTheAwkward
You are not alone. Asking for help or support is a sign of strength. If you are looking for guidance and additional resources, please click here.
Need help? Know someone who does? Here’s how to connect with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Text HOME to 741741 to reach a volunteer Crisis Counselor.
It’s free and confidential. You’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor in your area.
Learn more at suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Author: Lara Uher